


South Park: The Stick of Truth

by Dubtalia



Category: South Park
Genre: Other, South Park: The Stick of Truth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 13:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1306345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dubtalia/pseuds/Dubtalia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A quest to become...cool. Based on South Park: The Stick of Truth game in the new kid's perspective. What does the silent protagonist think as he moves in to the quiet little mountain town? </p><p>WARNING: If you played this game, you know it will contain very, very, VERY offensive stuff. If you haven't, you will be very, very VERY offended. Spoilers too if you have not played the game. The game is AWESOME, by the way. Please support the game if you can. Inspired by YouthSapphire1807's South Park: Stick of Truth on FanfictionDOTnet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	South Park: The Stick of Truth

**The New Kid**  
  
 **A/N:** I do not own South Park or the game. Please support the creators of the series and buy the game the company that made it. You can also support the original show by buying their DVDs, CDs, merchandise, and more.

* * *

  
 _Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic - the Stick of Truth._  
  
 _But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid - before the drow elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands._  
  
 _For whomever controls the Stick...controls the universe..._  
  
\----  
  
In a bright, sunny day of South Park, Colorado, a MOOVIT truck parks outside of a red house. It had four bedrooms and two bathrooms with a garage, kitchen, and backyard. The building has been bought by a new family. A man and his wife were unpacking and moving the boxes around for their new home.  
  
"Well, I think that's everything," said the man as he receives his last box from the MOOVIT men.  
  
"We did it, hon, we're really moved in!" exclaims the happy wife. She embraces her husband in a hug. He wraps one arm around her shoulder, smiling. "It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!"  
  
The woman then looks at her husband with concern. She asks, "Do you really think it will be better for...him?" They look up at the wall where their bedrooms are upstairs. Living in their new home are the couple and their child. A son. The man holds his wife to comfort her. "They won't look for him here," the husband assures her. "We just need to make sure he doesn't attract any attention Come on, let's see how he's doing."  
  
They both walk upstairs and went over to the first door on their right. "Sweetie?" Mom knocks on the wooden door. "Hon, you all dressed?" No answer. They decide to open the door themselves. It wasn't locked as they go in the room to see their son. "Hey champ," Dad calls out to him. "How do you like your new room?!"  
  
A small young boy looks around at his bedroom. He had short brown hair, a shirt with the number 32 on the front, red sleeves, blue pants, and black shoes. In his bedroom, there was one bed, window, closet, drawers for his clothes, his pet fish swimming around in the bowl, paint he had used to draw pictures when they started moving, a toy chest, a computer on the desk, a globe, and a small mousehole on the wall. In his pants pocket was the new iPhone. He rarely uses it call his parents after getting it, but they thought it would be best to know where he is at all times. There are gaming applications inside when he got bored, but there were more social network apps than anything. Facebook, Tumblr, MySpace, Instagram, Pinintrest, etc. But mostly Facebook for his personal preference and had his own profile online.  
  
"I know it's a big change for all of us, but..." His attention turns back to Dad as he asks a question. "son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?" The little kid stays silent as his body shifts side to side. Was he suppose to remember anything? Dad whispers to Mom, "He doesnt' remember." She does the same back to him. "He doesn't remember at all." He nods his head. "That's good. That's good he doesn't remember." The boy stares blankly at his parents. What were they talking about? He admits he can't remember anything up to when they started moving, but what happened before it?  
  
Mom and Dad return their attention to their son. "Uh, sweetie," she starts speaking to him. "we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?" She smiles at him. Go out? Make friends? Can he find any friends in such a quiet place? He starts to doubt the idea. "Right, get outside and PLAY, son." Dad agrees with her. "Like...like normal kids." The last line made him feel uneasy for some reason. Why would he say something like that? "We got some  money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie," Mom adds. "Just...be back before it gets dark." The son's eyes blink and said nothing else to his parents.  
  
"...Yeah, we _love_ you, too." Dad says sarcastically as his eyes roll back. The two left their son's room and closes the door behind them.

* * *

  
I look down at my iPhone to check my profile on Facebook. No friends. I guess I better go out as Mom and Dad told me. Going over to the closet, I unzip by Terrance  & Phillip backback to get some small change for myself. I went around my house to get a feel of my new home. I couldn't go in my parents' bedroom and decide to not bother for now. The bathroom is like any other one. You shower in the stall and shit in the toilet. I went downstairs to go to the kitchen and get the spare money like Mom says. There were still boxes around the house. They might unpack them after I leave. I stuff the extra cash in my pocket and went over to my Mom. She notices me and turns. "Go on outside, sweetie." I nod back quietly before leaving.  
  
I saw my Dad sitting on the couch, texting on his own iPhone. I had his phone number, but we rarely sent any text messages or calls. I went over to try and 'speak' with him. "Come on, son. Get out there. Make friends." He didn't even bother to look at me. I sigh as I went over to the door. I stop for a moment to look back at him. Dad glances at me before he starts to look pissed for some reason and gets off the couch. "It wasn't a REQUEST, it was a COMMAND." I jump in surprise from his loud voice. "Now get out there and MAKE SOME FRIENDS!" He pushes me out of house and on the front lawn. I hear the door being slammed and locked behind me.  
  
Damn, Dad. No need to shove me out like that.  
  
I stare at my new neighborhood. Everything is covered in snow. There are a few clouds with bright sunny skies. The only noises I was able to hear were the birds chirpping and cars passing by on the road. What kind of friends would I make in this boring, quiet, redneck, mountain town? I walk over to the right of the sidewalk. It was blocked by a sign that says, "No Humans". What? What's a sign like this doing here? I don't think I can move it for now and moved to the opposite direction.  
  
"You shall die by my warhammer, drow elf!" I hear someone shouting. I see two kids who about my age dressed in funny-looking costumes. One wore elfish looking clothes, pointed ears and everything, and had a wooden sword in his hand. The other kid with blond hair had a headband, robes and a cape, with a sledgehammer in his hand. I quietly walk over to see.  
  
"Nuh uh!" The elf yelled as he fought back. "I banish thee to the forest realm!" the blond kid shouts back again, point his hammer at his opponent. "No way," the elf objects. "I banish you first!" The elf kid beats his sword at the other one. He looks way stronger than the other guy. A bit of a wimp as I take a look at the guy with the hammer, who was trying to defend himself but is clearly losing.  
  
The elven child smiles evily as he saw how he was winning. "Ha HA!" he laughs. "You can't hold out much longer!" He swings his sword again to beat up the poor guy.  
  
The blond kid falls back and cries out, "HELP! SOMEBODY!!! I can't hold out much longer!!! HEEEELLLLPPP!"  
  
Might as well save him. I walked up behind the elf kid and tap on his shoulder. He turns around in confusion. "Huh? What the-?!"  
  
 **BAM!**  
  
I swung my arm and punch him in the face. He had fallen back before getting up to see me, grunting in pain. "Hey, no fair. That's cheating." The elven kid looks angry at me. "I'm going to tell my mom." He ran off in retreat. Sorry for not knowing the rules, dude. I went back to the other kid and help him get up. He was surprised to see me rescue him.  
  
"Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion." Still playing pretend after I saved you? Oh well, it is the least I can do for this guy. "My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you!" His hand motions over to the house beside us. That means he is my neighbor. "We should be friends!" Butters smiles at me. He pulls out his iPhone and taps on the screen. "Let me just add you on Facebook and we can get started!" My phone vibrates for a new notification and I pulled it out to see it. Yep, Butters added me and I see his post on there. It said, _'Hey, everybody! There's a new kid playing with us, and me and him are friends! That way nobody picks on him.'_  
  
That's strange. I didn't even give him my name yet and for some reason, he's my friend already on here. Well, friends online or in real life, at least I made one. That should keep Mom and Dad happy. I have not realized that I was smiling for a moment when I made friends with him. We put our phones away and face each other. "Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King!" Butters begins to explain "He's been talking about your arrival!" He has? Who was this guy? What does he want with me? Butters starts walking and turns to me. "The wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there." I follow after Butters without a word.  
  
"Hey, where are you from?" Butters asks me. I did not say anything. "Where'd you live before moving here?" I couldn't remember where I lived previously. "Do you like Colorado?" It's okay, I guess. The green house was next to Butters' home. We approach the front door and he knocks on it. The door opens up and in front of us was a fat kid with brown hair, wizardry robes, a cape, pointy hat, a small bag wrapped around his large waist, and a long wooden staff.  
  
Butters raises his arms up and praises the presence of this boy. "All hail the Grand Wizard!" He's the wizard guy? The wizard looks at me and spoke with high authority. "So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King." His index finger raises up and shakes the arm side to side. "But time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom."  He quickly adds, "Watch out for cat poop." I walk up the steps and into his home to follow the other two kids.  
  
"Oh, who's your new friend, Eric?" a woman asks the 'Wizard King' as she notices me walk with them. Must be his mother. "Shut up mom, not now," he answers without looking at her.  
  
I followed them out to a backyard. "Welcome...to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!" The large backyard had a foretress made out tents, cardboard, duck tape, wood, rope, and rocks. I didn't think they go far in this whole pretend thing. Three other kids like us were there too. They were all dressed up in different outfits.  
  
First, Eric walks over to the boy with the sword. He's cleaning a toy sword near a table with  other weapons on top. He had brown hair, a grey helmet, cape, coat, gloves, brown buckled belt and a small pair of scissors. "Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 Warrior."  
  
Then, he moves on over to the where the other boy was at the "Stables". He was taking care of a grey cat. He had brown hair, a dark green cap, green sweater, a sash that carried small bottles and syringes, and a headband.  "Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level 9 ranger...Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes." I don't think that's a power a person should be proud of.  
  
The last kid I meet was definitely a boy, but he was wearing a dress, a long blonde wig with small braids, and had a tiara on him. I think I've seen that outfit before in a video game. Beneath the girly clothes is an orange parka. It was hard to see his face from the hood, but I know it was a guy. "And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the Kingdom."  
  
I stare at them both in confusion. 'Princess' Kenny twirls a blonde strand of hair as 'she' gazes lovingly at me. Eric mutters to me, "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now..." I'll go along with it. 'She' does look kind of cute in a way.  
  
Both Clyde and Scott added me on Facebook as I approach them. I had found a daffodil in Eric's backyard for Princess Kenny, who seems to like me even more after I gave it to 'her'. I couldn't understand what she said when I gave it to her, but I think likes me. The hooded parka covered his mouth, so it was hard to hear. She also added me as her friend.  
  
After all that, I went over to speak again with The Grand Wizard. "You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom." I don't know what they need me for, but maybe helping them out would have me more friends.  "I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first - please tell us thy name." He hands me a piece of paper and feather pen for me to write down.  
  
I wrote down my name and handed it back to Eric. I saw a smirk across his face and then looks at me. Something about that didn't feel good. "You entered 'Douchebag'. Is that correct?" he asks. He's doing this on purpose, isnt he? I nod my head in 'yes' to see his reaction.  
  
He's a bit surprised I went along at his dirty game, but continues. "Are you sure you want to keep the name 'Douchebag'?" Eric asks again. He snickers, trying to hold in his laughter. Fucking fatass. I nod again.  
  
"Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."  
  
I had heard about the first three classes. But the last one seems a bit...offensive? Looking at the Wizard again, something about him rubs me off the wrong way. A different class though seems special. I picked out the 'Jew' class.  
  
"Jew, huh? So I guess we'll never really be friends." There is a disappointment in his voice as he gave me my costume for it. I put it on myself and look at my new friends.  
  
"Welcome to the KKK, Douchebag the Jew! Who probably can also handle our finances."  
  
Butters cheers. "Hooray!"  
  
Eric points over to Clyde. "Now, please go and visit the weapon shop," he advises. "Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!" I move to Clyde's weapon shop.  "Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler?" he asks. "Perhaps you like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?" I pay him two dollars to listen what he has to say about it.  
  
"Don't waste your money on tips and rumors." Shit. Let's just buy the weapon then. A Jewish Staff for $2.34. I equipped my new weapon. Eric walks up to both me and Clyde. "Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight -- beat up Clyde."  
  
Clyde in return looks shocked as hears this. "What?"  
  
"Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid." The Wizard seems too eager of wanting me to beat someone up on the first day.  
  
"What'd I do?!" Clyde yells, upset that he's the practice target.  
  
Eric glares at him. "I'm the KING, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused," he retorts. "Go on, New Kid, kick his ass." He steps away from us to allow us to being the battle.  
  
"I'm gonna kick your ass!"  
  
The Wizard taught me how to fight against opponents. I got lucky to get a first strike. My next strike was stronger than before. Blocking it was tricky at first, but I blocked out Clyde's attack the second time. My class abilities are used by Heroic Powerpoints(PP). Clyde was mad that he is starting to lose. He came at me again. It wasn't long until my Sling of David finally defeated him. He cried in pain as he fell. This turn-based thing is lame, but it's better than using dice.  
  
Eric starts laughing his ass off after I won the battle. "Ha haa haaa! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like 'AHGHG NOOO!!' Ha ha ahaaa!!" Clyde had gotten up and dusted himself before returning to his post.  "Okay, okay," Eric takes a deep breath to stop himself from laughing too much. "You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic."  
  
I followed after Eric to go inside the tent. There were maps, a throne, and an fake orc with a tiger-pattern thong strapped on. He shows me a special display next to the throne. "Well, here it is," he begins to speak. "The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die...The Stick of Truth."  
  
 _Are you shitting me right now?_ Looking at 'The Stick of Truth', it literally looks like an oridinary stick that you can easily pick up from the ground. I bet he got it from his backyard.  
  
Eric continues to talk, "Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the stick, controls the universe." Talk about over-powered, maybe it is worth it for this game.  
  
"Don't gaze at it too long!" The Grand Wizard warns as he shields his eyes from the sacred object. "For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" We both turn away from it. He places a hand on my shoulder. "Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductable-"  
  
Before he can tell me more about the costs of my membership, we suddenly hear someone shouting, "ALARM!!! ALARM! ALARM!!!" It was Butters. We were both surprised when we first heard him. "Someone has sounded the alarm!"  
  
"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!" Butters repeats as he waves his arms and jumping in panic. "What is it?" Eric asks him. "The elves are attacking!" he replies, pointing towards the gates. "Oh my God! Defensive positions!" The Grand Wizard orders out loud and quickly runs outside. I chased on after him.  
  
"Man the gate! Don't let them through!" He commands to his friends. But it was too late. The 'elves' were at the front gate. They were kids like us too, but dressed as elves with pointy ears.  
  
"Give us the Stick, humans!" A blond-haired elf threatens. He must be the leader of this group. "Fuck you, drow elf!" Eric yells back at them. "Come and get it!" He looks at Clyde. "CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!"  
  
"Aye, aye!" Clyde runs into the war tent to defend the object.  
  
"Aye, aye? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!!" He turns his direction towards me now. "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!!!" I wasn't sure if someone like him should have that much power, but I should do what he says for now. I went straight to attack two elves that were picking on Butters.  
  
Even though Eric was mostly watching me and not fighting alongside, he helps me get healed with a Cheesy Poof snack when I got wounded during battle. Yum! He also explains that I can counterattack after I block an enemy. After defeating two elves on my own, I had also looted the ranger's bow and arrows. Next, I charged after two other elves that were beating on Scott.  
  
After learning I can't use my regular weapon when a person is riposting, I switch to my arrows to shoot one ranger down. Sometimes they change position to stop my arrows in which I can attack normally or use my abilities.  
  
Last but not least, two more elves were beating up the cat from the stables. Which I found out it belonged to the Wizard himself, who has deep concern for the poor feline. I rush down to save "Kitty". Eric then talks to me about the shields someone could use. He clarifies that they are weak and I can easily hit them to wear them down. Power attacks or abilities that can deal a single large hit will work against them.  
  
All of the elves were defeated as the leader of the pack calls them to retreat. "DROW ELVES! FALL BACK! FALL BACK I SAY!" The fallen risen up and they all ran away from the Kupa Keep.  
  
"YES! Awesome, dude!" Eric cheers, taking in the sweet victory a little too much. "TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time!" He mocks and taunts at them despite that they were already gone. "NA NA NA NAAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA!"  
  
His victory dance would soon end as Clyde apporaches us with an ashamed look on his face. "It's gone," he says to Cartman. The fat kid's smile fades. He looks confused at the warrior. "What?"  
  
"The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."  
  
There was a moment of silence before Eric turns around and angrily yells, "THAT WAS YOUR **ONE GOD DAMNED JOB** CLYDE!! TO GUARD THE STICK OF **FUCKING** TRUTH!" Jesus, remind me not to piss him off. He turns away from Clyde for a moment to think. The Wizard then looks at him again.  
  
"Clyde...you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!" The angry Grand Wizard proclaims.  
  
It was now Clyde's turn to get mad at the fatass. "What?! NO! You can't do that!"  
  
"Yeah I can! You're banished and lost in time and space!"  
  
"Yeah! Go home, Clyde!" Butters shouts in support. Clyde then storms off and left the base.  
  
Eric soon returns towards me. "You fought bravely on the battlefied, Douchebag."  
  
"Yeah," Scott agrees. "this New Kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight!"  
  
"Shut up, Scott, nobody cares what you think."  
  
I felt a little embarrassed from the praise, but proud at the same time. It's my first time playing this and I am doing a damn good job. I also made new friends here because of it. They are weird with the Wizard being a dickhead, but beggars can't be choosers.  
  
"Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back." That's right. The elves stole it and we need to get it back.  
  
"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!" Butters exclaims with a worried look.  
  
"Our newest member can take care of that!" Eric responds. I turn to listen to his orders. "Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors. Token, Tweek, and Craig." I nod. He pulls out his phone and begins tapping on the screen. Then adds, "I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now..." I dug out my own phone and saw the pictures of what they looked like. He also gave me a map of South Park so I know where to go. We put away our devices. "But beware..." The Grand Wizard warns me. "the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped." I bowed to him. "Now go! And sent my warriors here! Butters, go with him."  
  
Butters gasps as he heard his own name. "What, y-you want me to fight with you?!" he asks. "OKAY! This paladin is ready to kick some ass!" The guy jumps up and down in joy before going over beside me. I never expected my first day in South Park to turn out like this.  
  
Maybe it's not such a boring, quiet, redneck, mountain town after all. I went over to Scott Malkinson, who is currently taking over the stand since Clyde left, to buy some wares to prepare myself. I had more cash from the loot and bought myself a better weapon. I also got Clyde's helmet, which he must have left after being 'banished'. Filled up with determination, I started to head out with my buddy Butters.  
  
I had made friends with Eric's mom and checked around his house. He has 'interesting' stuff, but I couldn't take too much of items he had inside. I also found...disturbing things in his mother's room. Dildos, crack, and underpants. Butters claims the lube and crack were just magic. I'm worried if he knows what it really is and means.  
  
Finally, I started to exit out of Eric's home to start my quest. I felt my phone vibrate from new posts on Facebook. I went to check it once more. There was a post from Butters and a reply from Cartman about money when being a paladin. I also saw Clyde's post. Uh oh.  
  
 _'Fuck you, New Kid! Things were fine until you showed up. I'll get you back for this, I swear!_ ' He even unfriended me. I wish I could apologize, but there's no way he will talk to me after what happened. I gained friends but made an enemy. I stuffed my phone away. Hopefully things can get better after we gather our men and reclaim the Stick.

* * *

  
 **A/N:** Sorry if it's a bit long here, but it will start to get better as it goes on. To be honest, I was inspired by YouthSapphire1807 version of SP:SoT on FanfictionDOTnet, but I wanted to try and make a story with the New Kid's view on this whole thing. A First-Person Narration on this. It's hard to say if he will be a reliable narrator or not. It will also try to tie into the plot as we continue on. I hope you enjoy this!


End file.
